selfish-desire --- obsession as it is called. if obsession is a yamaha electric keyboard, i am the dust that settles on the keys. i fall in between them, gunking up the parts, making it difficult to ever start again. i was in a car crash, like thom yorke. but the airbags didnt deploy. i am grateful for the opportunity to have less. i can connect better with the freedom. i dont think i will ever own a car again. my dad said "no one was hurt, it was just property" we give so much of ourselves to property. property makes us, as well. we are the sum of parts we do not oil. like a car needing regularly serviced, are we only as good as the faulty alternator we can't bear to replace? do we cope with our reality by inventing new ones? my alternator is not broken, but perhaps my car battery's positive terminal is corroded. it makes it hard to jumpstart other cars that way (the red jumper cable cant grab hold of the terminal. it is rejected). i want to be the battery other cars use when theirs dies. i dont want to reject the cable. i am realizing there are two ways to rid yourself of a faulty alternator: you can fix/replace the belt, or you can throw the whole car away. i doubt i can handle riding the bus for the rest of my life. i want to buy one car and have it last forever. no matter how many times i start it, it comes to life. it will take me wherever i need to go. i used to drive for fun, in the city, at night, when no one was out. i may never drive again, but i don't think the city will remember that i did. even through for a few minutes some nights it was just the two of us.